Update

Well, I haven’t written in quite some time.  Thanks to all that have inquired about me.  I’m honored that you care.  So, I have written on themes each time in the past.  And, haven’t written much because I haven’t come up with the next theme.  I’ve stared in the face of divorce, dealt with the disruption of family and have really struggled with dealing with the fall out.  But, ultimately, this isn’t a story about whether I stay married or not.  It isn’t a story about the other.  It is a story about me, walking out of darkness.  Finding my path regardless of my marital status.  I can’t be in recovery for anyone but myself. 

So, instead of waiting for the inspiration on how to tell another aspect of my story in an interesting (at least, interesting to me!) way, I’ll just give a quick update. Things are actually going quite well for me.  I actually have to be on guard and remind myself “yep, I’m still an addict.”  I’m getting great help from folks.  It is true that so much of the success we find or don’t find is in the quality of the help we get and our willingness to accept that help.  This I am. 

All that is not to say, that life is much easier or I’m not stressed out half the time.  Some of that stress is due to my addiction, a lof of it is due to the vicisitudes of somewhat challenging life circumstances.  But, there are more days than not that I feel capable of coping.  I rarely think of escaping – putting a bullet in my head while ignoring the considerable challenges confronting me.  That theme has shifted to calming thoughts and tackling things head on.  I’m learning that to cope it’s a virtuous cycle of doing things to restore sanity and taking action, action, action on those most challenging challenges. 

I think, I act, I survive, I thrive.

despair

Tonight, I can’t stop crying.  I’m staring too intently at all the damage I’ve caused.  I refuse to look away, move my attention, or fantasize so I don’t have to deal.  Yet, I can’t absorb the blows.  The knowledge of others’ pain washes over me, their tears combining with mine.  I’m drowning.  Tonight, I can’t stop crying.

Soul Shattered (by blues1940)

Walking earth
He’s but a shadow

Remnant of a soul

His soul shatters
Falls below

Loss of control

Lies, damn lies, and specifics (or lack thereof)

Well, here’s the rub.  I’m a liar. I have been for as long as I can remember.  Now, I don’t lie necessarily to gain advantage. To get a promotion or to fool the authorities.  I lie because I’m scared.  I lie because I’m ashamed of not only what I’ve done, but also what I might do.  The funny thing is…

I’ve always thought of myself as a very honest person. Often brutally honest.  Someone who was willing to tell anyone almost anything.  This was partially true, even mostly true.  True enough that most people who know me well would describe me as such. 

But, because I’m scared, I create shadows.  Spaces where I can hide.  A therapist once told me that I’ve created walls between different facets of my life.  My past, my home, my work, my family, and my loves – all separate.  There’s a technical term for this, but I can’t seem to recall.  But, this is where the lies begin.   Not lies really, just omissions – separation, lack of detail, and selective truth telling. 

But, of course, it grows.  As my fear grows, so does the shadow.  As grows the shadow, so grows my isolation and desolation.  There are days when the despair is almost unbearable.  From despair, ommission turns into lie - and lies to cover up the lies.  Lies to myself and lies to others.  The infedility, sex, and intrigue are important areas in which the self and other deception expressed itself.  But, not nearly the only avenue.  As I explore deeper, I find it everywhere. 

Honesty and light are the only path out.  Retreating to my “comfort zone” only creates the despair from which I’m trying to escape. Finding the strength to expose my faults, confront my fear and live with who I am and can be.  This is critical work for me.  There is no recovery without it. 

Is Sex Addiction Real?

Whether or not sex addiction is a made up disorder is something I’ve had to confront many times.  When my therapist first mentioned it to me, I did some quick research and I was skeptical myself.  Well, nearly a year later and I believe there’s something to it.

Now, there are interesting articles to be read that attempt to surface the different sides of the controversy.  MSNBC online has an interesting discussion – one of the first I found on the subject.  The basic outline of the controversy is that some view the use of addiction beyond physical dependency (chemical dependency resulting in withdrawel symptoms when stoped) stretches the concept too far.  There is a recognition, however, that there is a psychological component to addiction such that combatting the chemical dependancy alone is typcially inadequate to successfully maintain drug or alcohol sobriety.

Another branch of the debate essentially asserts that addiction isn’t the correct appelation and that the problematic sexual behaviors described are really manifestations of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  When most people think of OCD, they think of a character like USA’s “defective detective” in the television series Monk.  Monk has a pathologically strong obsession with cleanliness and order.  Or others might think of those who excessively wash their hands or lock doors, etc.  The argument that sex addiction is a form of OCD is an important distinction (e.g, not purely “academic”).  OCD is an anxiety disorder manifesting in recurrent, persistent, intrusive thoughts and related conpulsions (rituals).  In this light, sex is a compulsion (behavior a person feels driven to in order to reduce distress).  Treatment for OCD – Behavior therapy and medication used more in OCD treatment - may then be more effectively applied to sexual “compulsion.”

The last group thinks sex addiction is just more psychobabble.  That the label of addiction tries to create a disease when none really exists.  Those who suffer then are simply weak willed, promiscuous (low morals) or bad decison makers (stupid).  (I might overstate just a bit in parantheses).  The worry is that a diagnosis of addiction might provide an excuse for bad decision making or simple bad behavior. Well, that’s true for anything.  I can use alcoholism, drug addiction, being male, being bald, rich or poor all as excuses for bad behavior.  That misses the point.  I don’t want a pass for my bad behavior.  It is important for my recovery to be held accountable for it.

Well, this is an interesting discussion for me.  But, I think the argument boils down to two basic questions.  The first of which interests me, but only intellectually.  But, I only really care about the second question. 

Does Sex Addiction have any scientific usefulness?  In other words, does expanding the addiction taxonomy help us understand human behavior and pathology?  Science seeks to describe, understand and – ultimately – explain the world.  So, there are important scientific questions about whether the brain of sex addicts have a unusually high release of Dopamine (so called, “Dopamine Dump”) in their brains when engaged in these activities; whether sex addicts experience obssesive, intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that they find difficult to control; etc.  It is all very interesting, but no where near my primary concern.

Does the Sex Addiction concept have any therapeutic usefulness? Now, here’s the meat of the coconut for me.  Although the scientific understanding feeds treatment modalities, I care most about effective therapy.  This is what I know for sure – I have been engaged in behavior that I despareately want to stop.  I haven’t been able to stop.  Continuing to engage in that behavior is destroying my marriage, interfering with my work, and separating me from friends and family.  I CAN’T DO IT ON MY OWN!  At least, I haven’t so far.  So, call me weak willed or “Monk” or an addict.  I DON’T CARE.  You can call me whatever you want if you can help me.

I do want to understand as much as I can about why I have done what I have done, in service of making different choices – behaving differently.  If understanding addiction, as a general dynamic, and sexual addiction, more specifically, helps drive that understanding, then it is all good. Equally important is if understanding these behaviors as an addiction helps professionals and others (such as SAA or SLAA) help people like me, then let’s stop arguing about the wrong thing and go help save lives and relationships.

Links:

Wikipedia on Sex Addiction

Mayo Clinic info on Sex Addiction

Health.live.com search on Sex Addiction

 

 

Letting go

Three weeks ago: 

My head is spinning as I’m staring back at my wife.  She’s demanding that I open my email account so that she can see emails with a women I just admitted to having an affair with.  Terrified, is an understated description of my state of mind.  I simply can’t catch up.  My mind is moving so quickly.  Letting her see my email would unveil, expose too much.  I refuse.

She is angry and focused.  She’s intent on exposing all that she can about this affair.  Perhaps “intent” is too light a word.  She is fierce.  I am reeling.  There’s more there than she could possibly imagine.  After what seemed like a hours upon hours – and was actually may be an hour – I decide in a split second to let go. 

Fully let go. 

I logged on to my email account – and handed her the computer – opening up so much of what I had tried to keep secret.  She’s now reading email upon email of different sexual and other relationships.  I’m sure it is devastating.  I am, in a strange way, relieved.  It is incredibly taxing to keep these secrets.  And, I’m also very much aware that this was a real start at something different.  Through this decision to expose myself fully I might be able to start at walking a different path. 

What was there?  Documentation of how far gone I really was.  Seeing prostitutes, having a mistress, and an old fashioned affair.  I was completely out of control.  I started seeing “escorts” about a year ago.  That got out of hand very quickly.  Then, I was able to stop for a short period of time.  But, then I was right back at it.  I knew I was in trouble and had tried to limit my sexual indulgences to a single mistress or an affair.  I was so out of control that I couldn’t handle those limits.  I ended up doing everything.  Spending lots of money.  Seeing lots of women.  Missing work.  Not spending time with my kids. 

 I simply couldn’t stop.  I tried.  I resolved to stop at least once or twice every week.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  Though I felt very guilty about what I was doing and what I was not doing (spending time with family, work, etc.), I couldn’t figure out how to stop.

But, in that split second decision to expose all, I finally saw a path out. 

The next several days were hell.   Pure hell.  A constant emotional pit.  But, even through all of that, there was finally hope that I can break the cycle I was in.  I held on to that hope. 

Starting a Blog to Chronicle My Path Out of Darkness

Wow! Not so many days ago I was in full denial about what I was facing.  Now, I’m writing a blog about it!  What’s up with that?  I’ve been telling myself lately that I need to re-engage in one of my passions – writing.  But, I haven’t been able to get back to it.  So, this morning, I decided to connect that passion with my recovery from sex and love addiction.  “What’s sex and love addiction?” you ask.  Well, it’s both hard an easy to explain.  This whole blog is really to document my journey back from the brink.  I encourage any curious reader to go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous’ website for additional information. I will spend less time on SLAA as an organization in this blog.  Instead, I will focus on telling my story.  I have to jump up now and head to an SLAA meeting.  But, I’ll start my story tonight with what brought me to SLAA.  Stay tuned.