Well, here’s the rub. I’m a liar. I have been for as long as I can remember. Now, I don’t lie necessarily to gain advantage. To get a promotion or to fool the authorities. I lie because I’m scared. I lie because I’m ashamed of not only what I’ve done, but also what I might do. The funny thing is…
I’ve always thought of myself as a very honest person. Often brutally honest. Someone who was willing to tell anyone almost anything. This was partially true, even mostly true. True enough that most people who know me well would describe me as such.
But, because I’m scared, I create shadows. Spaces where I can hide. A therapist once told me that I’ve created walls between different facets of my life. My past, my home, my work, my family, and my loves – all separate. There’s a technical term for this, but I can’t seem to recall. But, this is where the lies begin. Not lies really, just omissions – separation, lack of detail, and selective truth telling.
But, of course, it grows. As my fear grows, so does the shadow. As grows the shadow, so grows my isolation and desolation. There are days when the despair is almost unbearable. From despair, ommission turns into lie - and lies to cover up the lies. Lies to myself and lies to others. The infedility, sex, and intrigue are important areas in which the self and other deception expressed itself. But, not nearly the only avenue. As I explore deeper, I find it everywhere.
Honesty and light are the only path out. Retreating to my “comfort zone” only creates the despair from which I’m trying to escape. Finding the strength to expose my faults, confront my fear and live with who I am and can be. This is critical work for me. There is no recovery without it.
Blues,
I admire your candor.
This post really helped me. Being the recipient of deep betrayal, lies, and deceit, I am left feeling hurt and confused.
There is something you said about keeping the different facets of your life separate. I see this in my ex. To know him, he comes across being very straightforward, very honest. And yet I see also in him, like you, a sense of fear, or a frantic attempts to somehow continually reinvent himself.
Before I found out the truth, this aspect of him was unsettling to me. Because otherwise, he is a very loving, caring person. But unlike you, he is not seeking honest treatment. He continues to believe that as long as he keeps the secrets, he is not hurting anyone. His therapist has told him that eventually, to live an authentic life, he will need to be honest with the person he is now involved with. He’ll never do it. And yet I know he idealizes that he will.
He continues to see me.
My goal is to get strong enough to let him go. I’m getting closer…
Again, thank you for sharing this part of yourself. We all have these parts that are hard to look at. For myself, in all honesty, I have to admit that I can be manipulative in my loving relationships. It’s another face of dishonesty. I believe to some degree that I will not be loved for myself, and so I create situations that make me needed and indispensible. I give too much. And expect much in return.
Your step in looking at this is refreshingly inspiring. It takes a great deal of courage to look at our frailties honestly.
Blessings…
Your post describes all too well the place many men are at. It was a place I was at for a long time. The journey out will be very long and hard. All the years spent in this addiction now have to be undone. The addiction did not occur overnight, and the recovery will not happen overnight. Journaling like this, can be a valuable tool in your recovery, as it has been for mine. Continue to dig into your feelings and emotions and look for those events that have caused you to seek a “medication” to cover them up.
Wow! Thanks for the courage to share. I also am sex addict and and liar. Shame is often my prime motivator for lying. Thanks, and God bless you!